Any time you pick up any self-improvement book or read an article on relationships, the most common thing
mentioned as an obstacle to success is poor communication.
Since our children are by far one of the most important and complex relationships we are growing through, I’d like to share with you some skills necessary to enrich and enhance our communication. Although I am focusing on our kids, these suggestions apply to ANY relationship that is meaningful to you or that you hope to make stronger.
So here we go:
- Remember that every statement or comment does not require a response (especially the ones that involve whining, disrespect or nagging)
- Use body language consciously. It doesn’t lie.
- Choose your words carefully. Just like nails on a piece of wood, even when you take the nail out, the whole may still be there!
- Speak in simple terms and with clarity. (don’t use sarcasm, big words or demeaning tone)
- Avoid interrupting people. (Our children ARE people and deserve respect and to be listened to. One voice at a time!)
- Listen with your mouth closed. (it goes a long way, especially for those of us who tend to prepare answers in our head. That makes it really hard to be present and fully listen!)
- Learn about Emotional Intelligence (empathy, self-awareness, and teamwork) to improve your communication skills.
What tools would you like to add to this list? I’d love to hear about your ideas!
Soulfully yours,
Yes! Kids are people, too. Why would we treat them any differently? They need us to be leaders, but we must lead them with total respect. If we can get this right, our children won’t need self-improvement therapy later…
Words of wisdom Janet!
I totally agree: there can be a balance between guiding and supporting our children ANDtreating them with respect. They don’t have to be mutually exclusive!
Thanks for your (always) insightful sharing. I always appreciate hearing from you!
Sandra
I really hope so!!
Great advice! Implied in your post, but more explicitly – stop what you are doing to respond to a child, but also teach them to distinguish between those times that you can respond and those times when they should wait.
Thank you so much for your kind comments Barbara!
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Dr.Gary Brannigan, Marjie Knudsen. Marjie Knudsen said: 7 Rules for skill-full communication with our kids! http://bit.ly/bLPwTd via @SoulfulParent #parenting #parents [...]
When one of my kids has a problem or a complaint, instead of trying to convince her that it will be OK or that she really doesn’t have a problem or a complaint, I simply narrate what I sense that she is thinking or feeling. “You’re feeling nervous about the first day of swimming lessons”, “I see how frustrated you are”, and “You wish that Tessa would call you to come over” are examples.
This keeps me out of “fixing” mode, yet still connected.
One of the things I love most about your comment Heather is the fact that you emphasize the importance of staying out of “fixing” mode.. Which can be hard for those of us who are “problem solvers”!
Your point of “still being connected” sums it all up: We want to stay calm, cool and connected… !
Thanks for your insights and your sharing Heather!
Sandra
Like Heather mentioned, I think that technique is really important for our kids to feel listened to, and also so they can learn more about themselves and how to identify the feelings they’re having. I do this all the time with my two oldest kids – adopted, with attachment challenges – as it helps them learn empathy they didn’t experience as infants and toddlers.
I think you brought up a great point Laurie: listening to our kids bring them closer to us..!
Kuddos to you for giving your kids the gift of connection through recognizing the importance of tuning into them!